Establishing Healthy Boundaries – Set Yourself up for Success

Boundaries can seem like a complicated thing to achieve and it can feel very overwhelming if you are not used to living a life with boundaries. Perhaps you are a people pleaser and always trying to make everyone else happy. Or maybe you have been in a co-dependent relationship, whether with a family member(s), romantically or with friends (heck maybe all the above). In many of these situations having a lack of boundaries and letting others constantly disregard or cross your boundaries sets you up for feelings of increased anxiety and stress.

We teach people how to treat us by what we allow in our lives. This concept can be very difficult to accept. Depending on how you were raised, you may not be accustomed to being personally accountable for your feelings and circumstances. It is often easier to blame others for their actions and how they “make” us feel or what they “make” us do. While other people’s actions can have impacts on us personally, their actions can NOT make you feel one way or another. Let this sink in for a minute…

Not one other person has the power to control how you feel. YOU are the only one who can control how you feel. When you learn to accept this, it becomes easier to set your personal boundaries. You learn to start listening to yourself more and learn what you will and won’t accept from other people. So, where do you start when it comes to setting some boundaries? It starts with you! What I mean by that, is you need to learn to put yourself and your health (both physically and mentally) above everything and everyone else! Putting yourself first can be very difficult and it will certainly add to your anxiety at times, but let’s tackle that one another day. 😊 For now, let’s focus on setting some boundaries to set you up for success, less stress and more joy. 

Here are a couple tips I’ve learned along this bumpy road:

Take Inventory! Figure out when you are the most stressed, anxious or overwhelmed and think about what is going on in those moments. Keep a notepad, journal, or notes on your phone handy and jot your thoughts and feelings down in the moment, this will help give you something to refer back to. This will be the time to dig down deep and figure out what is really going on to make you feel a certain way. At this stage, it is perfectly fine to think about what others in your life are doing and how their actions or words are making you feel. We aren’t looking to place any blame in this discovery. Instead these are going to be clues to you about what your boundaries need to be. The goal is to figure our what is triggering your reactions or feelings, name those emotions and then develop a plan to address them.

Personal example: I remember being at a point in my life where I was feeling taken for granted and taken advantage of by a loved one. Of course, I did what many of us do and I complained about it to one of my friends. After this continued for a while, okay if I’m being honest, for years, my friend gave me a book to read. For a deeper dive into the world of boundaries, I strongly encourage you to check out the book called Boundaries:When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life. Reading this book is when things really started to change for me (definitely not quickly though). Anyways, this is when I figured out it wasn’t my loved one’s fault for “making” me feel used or unappreciated. Don’t get me wrong, there are things they could have handled better, but ultimately, it was my own doing. During this time, I was paying essentially all the bills for the household, I cut out cable to save a little money and worse yet, I decreased contributions to my 401k. And it was very easy to place the blame on someone else for this and I certainly did at the time. In hindsight, it was solely my fault and my issues that landed me in this situation. While there were several other issues at play in this situation, a major player was absolutely my lack of boundaries. Eventually, I came to the decision of asking my loved one to move out, because it was clear the situation was no longer working and I refused to continue living the way I was. 

Take control! This is your life and your happiness on the line, learn to take control of what you can and let go of what you can’t. You must accept the fact you will never be able to change someone or their behaviors, no matter how much you try or how much you love them. When you start feeling frustrated or unhappy in your relationship(s), you need to look internally and assess what is happening and you need to change. Really look at yourself and decide what is in your power to control. Do you need to have a difficult conversation with someone? Do you need to remove yourself from an unhealthy situation or relationship? Do you need to stand up for yourself more? Do you need to worry about yourself instead of everyone else? During this step, I suggest starting with something small to tackle. Find one thing or area in your life where you can gain a little control. Go back to your inventory list and find one thing that causes you stress or anxiety and then figure out what you can do differently to have a more positive outcome.

Personal example: A couple years after my parents divorced, I was struggling with how to split my time between them when it came to the holidays. Fun fact, when this happens when you’re an adult, there is no parenting plan in place that says for Thanksgiving you are with your dad and you are with your mom for Christmas this year and next year it switches. Yeah as an adult you now get to make these decisions on your own! How hard can it be? Well for me it was harder than I could have imagined. I would start stressing about it, getting anxious, feeling guilty and feeling pissed off weeks (or longer) before any holiday. Family holidays no longer seemed like a fun time of getting together with everyone, instead I dreaded it. Fourth of July had always been one of my favorite holidays and I knew it was time for a change. I needed to take back a little control over my life and the lack of joy surrounding a holiday I loved. Instead of doing what I always did and what I felt was expected of me, I decided to go camping and boating with a friend and her family. I had such an amazing time...I got to relax, be myself, not worry or feel guilty about anything! Honestly, this was one of those moments that had a significant impact on my life and has forever changed my approach to the holidays. All because I set a boundary and decided I needed time for myself and time away from the drama. For once I took control of the situation!

Find your voice and be assertive! No on will be a better advocate for you, than you. It is time to figure out what you need and want for your life and then don’t be afraid to speak up for it or ask for it. This can be incredibly difficult, especially for women. Learn to embrace the anxiety you feel surrounding being more assertive, because it will feel very uncomfortable at first. Believe me, it will get easier with time. You are retraining your brain how to react and respond to these new boundaries and it’s going to take practice. Similar to practicing shooting hoops to improve your jump-shot, playing the piano to get better for a recital, or literally anything else requiring some skill…you need to find ways to practice being assertive. If you do not stand up for yourself, who else will?

Personal example: I met this guy a few years back, we exchanged numbers and started texting back and forth for a couple weeks. We hadn’t even gone on a date before I decided this wasn’t going to work out for me. Instead of sugar coating it, or not addressing it at all, I went with the truth about what I was feeling. Truth was some red flags went up for me and this was one of the first times I listened to and trusted my feelings. Turns out these feelings or inner thoughts we have are directly linked to our boundaries, they are like signals saying, “caution is this really what is best for you?” This guy had made some comments about how he didn’t get to see his children very often and he blamed his ex-wife for this. Mind you, he had also told me he moved to Montana from Michigan (where his kids were) for a job his uncle lined up for him. This was a red flag for me because of previous situations I’d had with another guy. I’ll admit it felt like I was being overly judgmental and maybe letting a past experience cloud my judgement. Which is exactly what he said when I told him. He also said it wasn’t “fair” for me to come to this decision based on an experience from my past. Maybe he was right. However, in the moment I was doing what was right for me and me alone. I was more concerned with being “fair” to myself and my feelings, than I was with being “fair” to him. At that point in my life, I had decided what I needed and wanted from a man. I wanted a man who took responsibility for themselves and their actions, who could hold themselves accountable, who didn’t blame other people for how their life was turning out and who could support himself. These were boundaries I was committed to keeping and respecting in order to find have a healthy and successful relationship. 

In the end it comes down to a few things:

1. Be true to yourself and the boundaries you’ve set for yourself and your life!
2. Not everyone is going to understand, like or accept the boundaries you’ve set, which is okay because it has nothing to do with other people. This is about YOU!
3. You deserve to live your life to your fullest potential and be happy!
4. Stop letting other people have so much control over your life and your emotions!
5. Remember you teach people how to treat you, so teach them something good!

I will leave you with a prayer I have always loved. From the first time I recited it during an Al-Anon meeting to now reciting it almost every night, I truly believe these powerful words and hope it resonates with you.