Codependent Relationships

Being codependent in a relationship with a  romantic partner, family member, friend, or anything in between is often hard to recognize. Breaking the cycle of codependency can be difficult and slipping back into those tendencies is sometimes a lifelong struggle for many of us. Depending on how you were raised or the types of relationships you’ve been in,  being codependent may be something you are struggling with and don’t even know it. 

From my experience Codependency is often associated with being in a relationship with an alcoholic or addict...at least that’s the context I learned it in for the first time when I was about 9 or 10 years old. I remember learning about this from going to the family session of a rehab program a family member was in and from a couple of Al-Anon meetings. It turns out you can find yourself in codependent type relationships even with someone who isn’t suffering from an addiction. So what exactly does it mean to be codependent?

Here are some characteristics often associated with being codependent from this article from Mental Health America. 

Characteristics Of Co-Dependent People Are:

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
• An extreme need for approval and recognition
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
• A compelling need to control others
• Lack of trust in self and/or others
• Fear of being abandoned or alone
• Difficulty identifying feelings
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries
• Chronic anger
• Lying/dishonesty
• Poor communications
• Difficulty making decisions

As mentioned in the MHA article “co-dependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood...” and if left ignored can lead to very unhealthy behaviors and relationships as an adult. Like I mentioned earlier I was introduced to this concept pretty early on, so you’d think I would’ve learned how to steer clear from this type of behavior...wrong! These were learned behaviors for me as a child and were reinforced since these types of behaviors were prevalent among other family members, especially the women in my family. Over the years I learned taking care of/helping other people (especially family) and making personal sacrifices for your family, while ignoring your personal needs and wants was “normal” behavior. And really more than just normal behavior, it was expected behavior. 

Growing up I never saw these actions as a bad thing. Now don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with helping other people and sometimes we have to make sacrifices for our family but it is not meant to come at the expense of your personal mental and physical well-being. When you start taking on other people’s problems and making it your responsibility to “fix it” or “fix them” then we have an issue. Or when you are more concerned with someone else’s feelings and emotions then your own...this is a problem.

Needless to say it took me a long time to fully realize the damage I was doing to myself and my health. Looking back I had a couple of unhealthy relationships with friends and boyfriends over the years during my teens and most of my twenties. I tended to attract people with problems because I was always willing to help and often offered help before it was ever asked. 

My self-worth was completely tied up in the things I did for other people or how I made other people feel. They would come to me with their problems and I would listen and get so wrapped up in helping them that I would ignore anything I was dealing with. I would loan money, co-sign loans, you name it for a good friend, boyfriend or family member who needed it. How great was I?! I feel sorry for that version of myself, I constantly needed the affirmation that I was doing good because I was helping people and thrived off people needing my help. After all if they need you, then how could they leave you? 

It took me a long time to break this cycle and one thing I realized along the way was how much my lack of boundaries contributed to this cycle of dysfunction. I also discovered I was avoiding my own life and didn't really know myself let along love myself. 

Related: boundaries 

Lessons learned through my journey:

• I have the right to be happy. 
• It is not selfish to put my needs first and I do not have to feel guilty for doing so. 
• You don’t have to fix or solve every problem someone brings to you. 
• You or anyone else expressing emotion is okay and doesn’t mean the sky is falling. 
• You are not responsible for other people’s happiness. 
• You are not responsible for other people’s poor decisions. 
• Wait for someone to ask for help instead of constantly inserting yourself into their life. 
• Other people’s opinions about you are none of your business. 
• It is okay and healthy even to have disagreements with loved ones. 
• You don’t have to be “needed” to be loved!!! 
• It’s is okay to say no! 
• Learn when YOU need to ask for help, you cannot and do not have to do it all!
• The right people love you no matter what you do or don’t do for them...they love you for YOU!! 

Here’s what I hope you take away from this:  

• Your self-worth is not defined by what you do for other people. 
• You do not need to constantly sacrifice your happiness to make someone else happy. 
• Learn to embrace and accept the kind of love that is given freely and without expectation. 
• You are not alone, so reach out for help and talk to someone.